By G. Cochran, Assistant Editor
(Published Wednesday, July 8, 2015)
General Electric in cooperation with NASA and the HONR Network announced today their plans to send parents of the children who died in the tragic events at Sandy Hook Elementary school into space! This landmark event will send the parents to distant planets like Saturn where they will meet with our dark lord, Satan and present their plan to end gun violence.
Expected to be a journey lasting 18 months and spanning millions of miles, the crew will stop at the edge of the galaxy and broadcast the sound of children’s laughter throughout the universe. Although it’s uncertain whether the conditions will afford the opportunity, the crew hopes to dock with a comet and preach their message of love and resilience to microbial life forms they hope to find there.
“When we demanded a plan from lawmakers on this planet, the results were less than stellar,” remarked Michael Bloomberg who is also sponsoring the project. “The hope is that, in their capacity as ambassadors these determined parents will find other civilizations more receptive to a gun free world.” It seems a ‘gun free universe’ might be the ultimate goal shared between the Newtown parents and Michael Bloomberg, who awarded them honorary Jew status and Israeli citizenship upon their return. It’s thought that a mission of this type might kick start the process and achieve an end to personal gun ownership faster.
Michelle Alvin, a public relations spokesperson for NASA commented, “We did go to the moon. When I hear these bat-shit-crazy conspiracy theorists accuse NASA of faking it, it makes me want to take their guns away. That’s a very natural reaction to their claims. Therefore, NASA views this unprecedented mission as a win-win that will help to both prove we conduct space flights and lead to gun confiscation.”
Staffs at GE, NASA and the HONR Network share the view that, ultimately the pressure from intergalactic regimes will lead to gun confiscation here on earth. The excitement is almost palpable at mission headquarters, where engineers and change agents alike burst into fits of giggling and others simply drool while staring off into the distance. Presumably, imagining all the love and resilience resulting from a gun-free population is meditative and mesmerizing.
“We are OK to go, even if the American public isn’t,” joked Lenny Pozner, the bereaved father of Sandy Hook victim Noah Pozner. Updates are expected within the month and flight preparations are expected to begin sometime in August.
Special from the comment section
Sandy Hook Actors’ Elite Political Connections
Francine Wheeler (Lobis), the mother of 6-year-old Benjamin Wheeler who authorities say was killed alongside 25 others at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December 2012, is also a professional musician and actor.
Wheeler is a member of “The Dream Jam Band,” a group of “five musicians from the Northeast who,” according to their website, “write and play an eclectic collection of original music for children of all ages young and old [sic].”
In 2010 the entourage was favorably reviewed in the New York Times. In the video above The Dream Jam Band performs its mock hip-hop children’s song, “Brush Your Teeth.” While contributing background vocals, Francine Wheeler can be seen dancing and grimacing before the camera as she waves an oversized yellow toothbrush.
In 2001, Francine married David Cole Wheeler, a professional actor who starred in a surreal film, Faithful, also produced that year. The macabre short centers around the theme of suicide that eerily reemerges in the Sandy Hook shooting narrative and its aftermath.
Following the death of Benjamin both parents became strong gun control advocates. In April 2013 the couple (left) appeared on CBS News’ 60 Minutes alongside other grieving Sandy Hook parents to make their case for strengthening federal gun control laws.
Also in April, President Obama turned over his weekly radio address to Francine Wheeler so that she could make a direct appeal to the American people for heightened gun control measures. The event proved to be an overwhelmingly successful public relations maneuver, generating headlines throughout the world.
This brief video from The Paulstal Service explains how the strong embrace of Francine Wheeler by powerful Democratic political leaders should perhaps be unsurprising. This is because Wheeler was formerly employed as the personal assistant of noteworthy Democratic activist and former chief Democratic National Committee fundraiser Maureen White. White was the DNC’s champion campaigner, raising $51 million in 2005 alone. She now serves in the US State Department as a senior advisor on humanitarian issues in Afghanistan and Pakistan.
White’s husband, the powerful Wall Street investment banker and Obama administration advisor Steven Rattner, is also a close personal friend and money manager of staunch anti-gun crusader and founder of Mayors Against Illegal Guns Michael Bloomberg. Bloomberg used the Sandy Hook shooting as a rallying cry for more stringent federal gun control measures. Rattner is also a member of the influential Council on Foreign Relations. He previously worked for the New York Times as an assistant to famed Times’ columnist James Reston. There Rattner befriended publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger Jr.
As the Sandy Hook Timeline and the work of other independent researchers suggest, shortly after Obama secured reelection in November 2012 his administration and Democratic Party Congressional leaders including Senator Diane Feinstein turned to devising a strategy for enacting stricter gun control measures, even as gun-related violent crime and murder have decreased over the past two decades, alongside higher rates of gun ownership.
But the question remains, would President Obama and other political and economic elites ever use such dastardly means to hoodwink the American people into forsaking a major Constitutional right? Moreover, with overwhelming financial wherewithal and the personnel of every federal lettered agency at their disposal, how could they ever get away with anything of this magnitude?
In other news
Emperor Ming, the Sandy Hook people want to disarm us